Thursday, January 29, 2009


JAN 27, 2009

Stephen Sommers. The name is about to go household. Well, about as household as Bruckheimer I suppose. Sommers delivers the summer whirligigs of flames at your local cineplex. He is the director of such catastrophic, bloated vehicles as THE MUMMY and VAN HELSING. I really don't think I need to give you any more in order for you to comprehend what this guy does. Both THE MUMMY and VAN HELSING are UNIVERSAL throwbacks to an era when people gave a damn about actors like Boris Karloff and Bela Legosi. They were quick-cash knockoffs of thing we respect from our collective cinematic childhoods.

It makes absolute sense that a man of Sommers' pedigree would be financially lashed to the director's chair of the new GI JOE movie. It makes deafening sense to all. But it also slathers a patina of Cheezewhiz all over the project. Sommers is a cornball director with cornball projects. I think it should be clear to you that GI JOE is going to be a non-serious movie. I am not talking about a comic book movie, I am talking about a movie that will create a world that can never exist, nor will you want it to.

And dammit, I wanted hope. Apparently, there is going to be an ad this coming Superbowl Sunday for this film. If it is airing during the big SS, the ad should have all of the plumes of whirligig flames that we can handle. It will be all of the empty calories that we ever wanted...but dammit, that Sommers fool is helming this boat, and I really don't like his work.

If you are a male and you spent some time in the late 80s and early 90s, then you can't escape GI JOE. If you happened to be around in the 70s pre-cartoon era, then you really know what is going on. And what is going on is fear. Nerve-wracking and brutal fear that grips and freezes your bowels. Dennis Quaid? Has that man ever sported a muscular build? Is he sporting one now? NO ON BOTH COUNTS. Marlon Wayans? Should he be acting? Has he ever been in anything good? NO ON BOTH COUNTS.Damn you Hollywood, get it right.

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