Wednesday, April 14, 2010

CLASH OF THE TITANS - A SPOILERRIFIC MOVIE REVIEW





CLASH OF THE TITANS - A BADASS SPOILERRIFIC MOVIE REVIEW

By: SPINAL VILLAIN

Note: Saw the 2-D version.

******HEAVY SPOILERS*******

I am aware of the bad hype surrounding this movie. It's hard to avoid with remakes; more often than not they fail to deliver.

Suffice it to say, this movie is hardly an exception.

The movie begins with a small story explaining the current state of things in the world and on Mt. Olympus. This is actually a good thing as it explains in more detail how the Kraken came to be.

The movie progresses very quickly. We barely see Perseus as a child, and the next thing you know, he's on a quest for revenge against the gods. Silly as it sounds, I actually found this aspect quite refreshing as this is one of the few movies in the history of cinematography that doesn't revolve around a man trying to save his wife or girlfriend or just some hot piece of ass. Nope, Perseus is all about his cold-dished revenge against the god Hades who killed his father, mother, and sister.

As Perseus departs Argos (the city doomed to die by the Kraken), he now has an entourage to help him in his endeavors against the gods. Draco, the head of the entourage, is an unlikely face, and I had to look twice until he spoke (he has an unmistakable accent); it was Mads Mikkelson who played Le Chiffre in CASINO ROYALE. Once I realized it was him, I was waiting non-stop at the edge of my seat for Mikkelson to hit Perseus in the nads. It never happened.

Much of what was in the original has been redone or re-imagined. Some of it works; some of it falls flat like bread with no yeast.

Medusa's back story gets explained a bit better than in the original version. But the effects for Medusa are too over the top, and she is far too pretty to be the queen of the stone age. The original Medusa was slow and ugly; this one is fast, agile and actually not so bad on the eyes. I didn't like it.

Calibos is a huge sack of fail.

The Stygian sisters didn't really hit he mark either. The scene was shorter than I would have liked, and their seeing eye was actually a large eye held by stringy flesh. I preferred the glass orb from the original movie.

Perseus's gifts from the gods are actually limited this time around to a single sword. The sword is cool-looking and only opens up for Perseus, but that's it. In the original, we get to see Burgess Meredith drop the sword through solid marble "without leaving the slightest blemish on the blade." I was hoping for something along those lines to show us how crafty the gods are at forging, but alas, another disappointment. No shield, except from Perseus’ entourage, and no helmet or red cloak.

FAIL.

Things I liked in the movie:

The boat ride to Medusa's prison was pretty cool. It provided a slightly more tense and epic feel—one of the few in the movie.

A few notable laughs are made in an attempt to lighten mood. They are mostly just mild chuckle worthy jokes, but at this point, it's almost all we got.

Many of the effects are good and easy on the eyes.

The most epic owning of a man's wife I have ever seen in a movie. That's the Zeus we all know and love!

Things that just didn't work:

Zeus' body armor—why does Zeus need to wear armor like he's on a quest for Excalibur while he's in Olympus? He doesn't even adorn the ridiculously shiny armor when he leaves Mt. Olympus!

Calibos—you'll see.

Hades—one of the worst voices in a movie I have heard. It sounded like he needed an inhaler the whole time.

Perseus' love interest gets tossed about in the desert sand and rock while escaping from larger than life scorpions, and when it's all said and done, her little white mini dress is still so white it should be the display for a Clorox commercial. Furthermore, her knees and elbows are not skinned, dirty or bruised at all—cinematic fail.

We never get to see the Kraken really destroy Argos, as in the original.

Perseus is a fisherman with no weapons training AT ALL, and he bests a professional soldier the very first time he trains. Next thing we know he's doing back flips off of walls and ridiculous sword play—bogus.

Overall the movie is decent to look at and with a few laughs here and there. We almost get a feeling like we are going to get our money's worth, but that feeling is short-lived.

Save your money people; you’ll thank me later.

-Spinal Villain

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